It is the wee hours of the morning and I am sitting in my recliner with a cozy blanket across my lap, with my Lysa Terkeurst book beside me with a steaming cup of coffee.  Oh and let me not forget the sounds of comfort that surround me, worship music playing softly from my alexa, dog snoring and the sound of rain. Why am I up at this hour on a Saturday morning when I could be tucked snuggly in my bed sleeping? First my new puppy who slept for a solid seven and now was ready to go out and be fed and my inability to fall back to sleep. It is in times like theses that I come to know God better. We have our best conversations during times like this.  He knew I needed to come to a new understanding of something today and wrap up my feelings of this past year.  

Every year I pray for a word. A word that I  would pray on throughout the year and focus my life on. This year my word was renew.  I wasn't sure how this word would be played out in my life this year. First, to be renewed you have to be cleansed, stripped down to the natural self and then you can be renewed.  Like a wooden rocking chair that needs to be restained. You have to strip the old stain off and sand the heck out of it and then you can restain it. If you try to stain over the old stain the wood wont absorb the new stain and the old stain is still there.  I was stripped down to the old wood this year by God.  I started this year with a life changing surgery that changed the way I had to do things. I had a ACDF repair ( my cervcical vertebrae were fused from C3-C7). Also I was left with a scar across my neck. I was forced to sit still and not do anything.  That is so not like me. But during that time of stillness I prayed and focused on God and getting to know him better.  Each time I prayed I asked God for a much needed direction in my life which led me to leaving my church that I was a current member. It would be one of the most hardest decisions in my life because I would be attending a different church than my husband. I went to several churches and after about 3 months I went back to my home church. The church that raised me as one of my friends said the other night. I felt like I was at home at last.  They wrapped their arms around me and loved on me that the prodigal son. Not only have they loved on me they have shared some gut wrenching truth with me in my Sunday school class.  Truths that I needed to hear in sermons that have help me get back to my natural wood for the past seven months. I had become and old used rocking chair. 

Not only was changing churches was a big renewl in my life but I changed jobs in May. Now you I am not a spring chicken.  I have been a labor and delivery nurse for 29 years and now I was looking for something that was a little less physical because without much success my job would not work with me in changing roles. So God said lets get busy looking and he provided and opportunity for me. I was now interviewing for a job in an Chemotherapy Infusion Unit. WHAT?  Believe it or not I got the job and was now about to start a new adventure.  Lets make this brain work.  I have been blessed  unmeasurably. The patients are the sweetest ever and the staff is Fantastic. I had been sanded down by making me learn something new and see my worth.  My sense of worth was gone from a job that beat me down every day and a church that made me feel like I was unworthy as a friend or member.

Now that I had been stripped down I was ready for the refinishing. God has kept his hand on me the entire time through all this. He still had to wrap this year up for me by showing me even though I had been refinished you could still see my scars and that would be the new me.  My scar on my neck will always be there as well as the new on down my face from skin cancer removed last week. He also showed me that my scars on my heart would always be there.  Which remind me of my favorite quote." Scars remind u where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we are going."   Those scars will always be there and sometime they will hurt.  Like last night I saw a post where a group of women I longed to be a part of,and their group posted they were blessed to have each other.  I burst into tears like a big baby but I made the decision to get rid of FB for good because I do not want it to dictate my feelings anymore. God was sanding a final few rough edges of and brought these words to me this morning through Lysa Terkeurst.  I have to realize when I see certain "they will continue to walk and live on their side of street and I will continue to walk and live my life on my side of the other side of the street. I have learned this promise this year  And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while , will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10)

I was talking to a co worker the other day and the subject came up about teenagersOan to explain how when I was younger and my friends went somewhere or hung out with someone else I didn't know until someone told me. Usually it happened at school or on the bus. Really made me feel inadequate.  It was like a punch in the gut. Instead of blowing it off, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me.  Teenagers get to see it right off.  The see it on FB, Instagram or snapchat. It is in their face.  But this week I realized that I am not that much different from teenagers.  I let it get to me just as much as I did as a teenager.  I immediately think "What is wrong with me?"  I get teary eyed and my heart hurts.  I had to ask myself why I still let it get to me?  

Over the years I have met and know so many people but really do not have a close friend. I know that I am the common denominator of the equation so that is where the doubting of myself comes into play.  As a high schooler I was responsible for watching my little sister and brother and working that I didn't have time to "hang" out with friends. I then went to college and didn't have develop any close relationship with no one because I worked and went to school. As I started working I thought I had friends from all my jobs but no one. I have even lived in the same area for 22 years and no one.  I know a pity party for one but that is not what I want you to get out of this. 

Today I was glancing at facebook and I saw a group of women I know going out for some fun. It is the same group that started a bible study. It is the same group they was developed by women in my church who were my age. My heart got sad.All those high school feelings came back. Why? Because I feel like I am unworthy of being anyone friend. What is wrong with me. Why am I not included?  I just wanted to scream out  I AM LONELY.  I JUST WANT A FRIEND.  I am even a little envious of Woody and Buzz.  I know they are animated.  

As I pray and focus on Gods he tell me  I love you child.  He gently whispers to me.  Don't look to worldly things or people to love you.  I love you child of mine.  I have got you. 

He knows my heart and wants me to want him like I want to be wanted by people.

Most of the time when a blog idea comes to me I don't have time to write about it.  So I jot the idea down on a piece of paper or type into my notes on my phone. Honestly  they land in my phone and they stay there for awhile until I clean out my notes.  Today was one of those days where I need to clean up my notes. It was full of grocery lists, passwords I don't use anymore and,of course,my ideas. This one particular note was from at least two years ago.  This one I couldn't delete because it said so much in one little phrase.  

So two years ago Tim and I were staying on a military base to save some money on hotel cost. Actually it was very nice. It has its own private beach (which I definitely took advantage of). One day,  I was sitting on the beach when I noticed a lighthouse.  It was beautiful.  You see lighthouses are used to guide the sailors to shore in the dark, dark night at sea. A night at sea without the moon is very, very dark to where one cannot see the shore at all. Sailors need that light from the lighthouse to  guide them in or they would be lost at sea.  The best way I can explain this darkness is the darkness we experience during a power outage. Here is my point, there is a light we need to see our way out of the dark.  The darkess the sailors experience represents us walking in our sin. We are walking in sin which is painfully dark and God reveals Himself to us as the light.  In the bible there is a perfect example of this.  Saul was on his way to Damascus when God blinded him.  When he was able to see again he knew where his vision came from and he saw the light. Without our Lighthouse at sea, we would never be able to be guided through life and be stuck in the darkness.