I was talking to a co worker the other day and the subject came up about teenagersOan to explain how when I was younger and my friends went somewhere or hung out with someone else I didn't know until someone told me. Usually it happened at school or on the bus. Really made me feel inadequate.  It was like a punch in the gut. Instead of blowing it off, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me.  Teenagers get to see it right off.  The see it on FB, Instagram or snapchat. It is in their face.  But this week I realized that I am not that much different from teenagers.  I let it get to me just as much as I did as a teenager.  I immediately think "What is wrong with me?"  I get teary eyed and my heart hurts.  I had to ask myself why I still let it get to me?  

Over the years I have met and know so many people but really do not have a close friend. I know that I am the common denominator of the equation so that is where the doubting of myself comes into play.  As a high schooler I was responsible for watching my little sister and brother and working that I didn't have time to "hang" out with friends. I then went to college and didn't have develop any close relationship with no one because I worked and went to school. As I started working I thought I had friends from all my jobs but no one. I have even lived in the same area for 22 years and no one.  I know a pity party for one but that is not what I want you to get out of this. 

Today I was glancing at facebook and I saw a group of women I know going out for some fun. It is the same group that started a bible study. It is the same group they was developed by women in my church who were my age. My heart got sad.All those high school feelings came back. Why? Because I feel like I am unworthy of being anyone friend. What is wrong with me. Why am I not included?  I just wanted to scream out  I AM LONELY.  I JUST WANT A FRIEND.  I am even a little envious of Woody and Buzz.  I know they are animated.  

As I pray and focus on Gods he tell me  I love you child.  He gently whispers to me.  Don't look to worldly things or people to love you.  I love you child of mine.  I have got you. 

He knows my heart and wants me to want him like I want to be wanted by people.

Most of the time when a blog idea comes to me I don't have time to write about it.  So I jot the idea down on a piece of paper or type into my notes on my phone. Honestly  they land in my phone and they stay there for awhile until I clean out my notes.  Today was one of those days where I need to clean up my notes. It was full of grocery lists, passwords I don't use anymore and,of course,my ideas. This one particular note was from at least two years ago.  This one I couldn't delete because it said so much in one little phrase.  

So two years ago Tim and I were staying on a military base to save some money on hotel cost. Actually it was very nice. It has its own private beach (which I definitely took advantage of). One day,  I was sitting on the beach when I noticed a lighthouse.  It was beautiful.  You see lighthouses are used to guide the sailors to shore in the dark, dark night at sea. A night at sea without the moon is very, very dark to where one cannot see the shore at all. Sailors need that light from the lighthouse to  guide them in or they would be lost at sea.  The best way I can explain this darkness is the darkness we experience during a power outage. Here is my point, there is a light we need to see our way out of the dark.  The darkess the sailors experience represents us walking in our sin. We are walking in sin which is painfully dark and God reveals Himself to us as the light.  In the bible there is a perfect example of this.  Saul was on his way to Damascus when God blinded him.  When he was able to see again he knew where his vision came from and he saw the light. Without our Lighthouse at sea, we would never be able to be guided through life and be stuck in the darkness. 

Deposits or Withdrawls

Woke up this morning with a different feeling in the air.  The air outside was crisp, cool and breezy.  What a wonderful change that has been anticipated.  I love the fall because of the coolness and the wonderful colors all around me.  It also gives me a chance to enjoy the outside without sweating to death. YAY!!  I am going for a walk this morning. Headphones, tennis shoes on and my hair pulled back I am ready to go. Lets not forget my loyal companion beside me.  She is as ready to go just as I am. Noelle my walking partner knows the path I take so well she uses a short cut and beats me to the beginning of the path.  She normally does not wait for me because she takes her sweet time and I mean business.  When we are walking we resemble the story of the tortoise and the hare.  I am the tortoise(steady and keep on the path) and she is the hare(she stops and smells, pees and greets every dog in her path).  Our walk is never without a friend or two crossing our path.  Friends I mean dog friends.  My neighborhood is filled with dogs just hanging out at their homes.  All of them have to come out and greet her. Some of them come out and bark and bark and bark but she just ignores them and keeps on walking. Some of the walk with us for a bit and then head back home. This reminds me of human life and how are life is one big walk.  We walk with people for a little bit and make a positive impact or we just take from them.

As humans we meet people wherever we go.  At the store, work, appointments and when we are out for fun. So as we walk through life we have a responsibility.  We make deposits on everyone we meet or we make withdrawls.  What do I mean by this.  When you come in contact with someone during the day do we make deposit or do we make a withdrawl.  A deposit is a positive impact on that person.  Example, I have a friend who is so sweet.  She always greet you with "hello beautiful" and then a kiss and a hug. She always makes a deposit.  You can be having the worst day of your life and she makes you feel so special.  She also listens to you.  When you are talking to her she is not on her phone is truly listening to what you have to say.  Nothing worse than talking to someone and they are on their phone and they say"did you say something?"  That's a withdrawals.  You just told them in a few words that you are less important than the person on the phone.  I also know a person who every times she see me she complains about one thing or another. She always make withdrawals from me. I feel so depleted when she hangs up or walks away.  There are so many ways to make deposits in peoples lives. A smile, a touch, or kind words or just listening intentionally.  There are so many way to make withdrawals.  Such a gossip(someone was talking about you but I wont tell you what they said because that would upset you), complaining, or being just negative.  So next time you are heading out for the day decide what are you going to do.  Are you going to make more deposits or more with drawls.  It is easy to make make withdrawals and it takes a lot to make deposits.  You have to think about.   

I found this quote: "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life you will

be out of balance and in the negative.  Know when to close the account"

Window Sin

I walked into the kitchen the other day and my husband's new kitten was sitting in the window watching something.  As I walked over, I noticed there was a wasp caught between the glass and the screen. How did it get in there? I concluded that there was a small hole that allowed the wasp just enough room to get into the window and become trapped.  I asked my husband to get him out because I  have a great intense anxiety for the little pests.  I would have to say that wasps are my biggest fear. Later that day the wasp was still frantically going back and forth attempting to get out but was to no avail. What he could not see is that the way out was so simple.   Many times the wasp would pass right by the hole and keep on going.  Back and forth he kept going for days but never got out (yes, he died). 
Where am I going with this?  Everyday we slip into that little hole in the screen called sin. Once we are in that hole we keep pacing in our sin. We feel "trapped" as if there is no way out. However, scripture says that there is always a way out of temptation. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says," No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." How faithful is our God! We do not have to be like that wasp, trapped in a never-ending trail of sin. We have a God that has revealed to us a way out of sin through repentance through Jesus Christ. Everyday we sin and sometimes we feel as if we are trapped completely, but we can be encouraged because God has opened our eyes to that way out called repentance. 
-Kimberly Reitz

Be There

I have a wonderful job so I here.  Patients tell me all the time you have the best job in the world.  You get to see babies born everyday!  I smile graciously an tell them "you are so right, it is the best job."  Thinking to myself NOT, if you only knew.The part of it they don't see if what makes not so the best job in the world sometimes.  They don't see where we all run to a room because a baby is in distress and we are trying to stay calm for the family but we really want to scream! They don't see the part when we are all maxed out with our patient load and we see another pregnant patient walk up to the desk.  The don't see us changing our clothes after we have been splashed with body fluids.  They don't see us cleaning and washing a baby who has gone to be with our sweet maker and us trying to hold back our tears for the family because we have to walk into our  other patients room who is delivering  a healthy  baby.  So why am I writing this?


This sums up how the world is!  Our world is such a busy place.  We are running here and there twenty four seven.  I know that I have heard it said a million times. "there is just not enough time in the day. "  But why?  God gave us plenty of time we just don't manage it well.  He even has to tell us to rest  and gave  us a day of rest. He even rested while making our planet. But as humans we have made or day of rest a day of shopping, cleaning house, going to ball games, hunting, and belive me plenty of committee meetings a church.


There is an old saying that goes something like this  " sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses" What does that mean.  To me it means to slow down and enjoy the life that we have been given.  Before long our children that God blessed us with will be adults. Some of our family and friends will be gone. Things that you thought that would always be there are gone.  No one want regrets at the end of their life. That is why so many older adults go through depression because their life is almost over and they have regrets.
 
Make a promise to yourself to make things count this year. Do the things that can only happen once over the things that you can do all the time.  Like going to a wedding instead of staying home and watch television or go a surprise birthday party.  Make you moments count. Slow down this year and stop to smell the roses.  For me,I really take in the moment of being in a delivery of someones baby because I really do have the best job in the world. 


G

The Barstool

Just last Tuesday while I was at work  I received a call at work.  One that no one wants to receive but it will happen probably once to everyone.  "Honey it is me  I just wanted to let you know that your grandpa passed away."  To be honest I was expecting the call to be soon because he had been suffering with cancer in the recent days.  In the next few hours I managed to get off work and prepare to head home for the services.  It wasn't going to be a pleasant visit because I was going to say goodbye to a man I dearly loved but it was also a time I was going to get to see some family I haven't seen in years.  The few days passed quickly.  There were some family members that I got to see they had never met my family.  In conversations with them it was like we just talked yesterday.  Most of them seem to start off with "yeah  I saw it on facebook"   so it was like they just talked to me.  So sad but that is another topic.  With other family members  the bitterness or anger disappeared because we were there for the same purpose, to say goodbye.


Before I headed home back to Loranger. I decided to stop at my grandmothers house for a goodbye. The same house she had lived in since I was a little girl.  Everything still look the same.
She asked me if I would like a cup of coffee.  I poured my cup and fixed it using the same sugar bowl I had for years and then it happened.  I sat down in the bar stool at the kitchen counter and all of those memories came pouring out.  It was the same bar stool I crawled in a child to watch my grandma cook and wash the dishes.  The same bar stool I sat in to read the morning paper with my grandfather as he worked on his crossword puzzle every morning..  It was the same on I would sit in and talk to Tim when I lived there and lived here.. It was the same one she use to tie my girls in with an apron because with didn't have a high chair. It was the same one I had endless conversation with my grandmother and grandfather and all the advice they would give me.  I could go on and on with memories.  All those memories or good ones and I am glad I can say I was able to say goodbye to wonderful man without any regrets.  Don't let someone leave this earth and you wishing you had said goodbye.  Take the time to call them and touch base other than facebook.  Forgive the ones you need forgive.  Love on the ones you see everyday.  Treat everyday like it is the last.

The Cross in my yard

Every Christmas we decorate our home with lights.  Should I say that I decorate our home with lights. Tim has helped me the last couple of years and the girls attempt to help.  I am really over the entire light thing, but the girls ask me every year to put them up. Just face it, lights are simply pretty to look at.  So I wanted to do something a little bit different last year.  I decided to put up cross in the yard so everyone that passed would know that in our home we knew the "reason for the season." I thought it was a wonderful idea.  until my daughter told me that was totally cheesy.  Despite what my eldest child thought I put the cross up anyway. I decorated it with white lights.  It was so pretty.  I placed it where everyone could see it.  After the season the cross stayed in the yard but has been moved to mow the grass  or to spray round up.  Now it sits behind some bushes on the other side of the yard.  I noticed the other day that it had rags hanging on it from a washed car, "REALLY" , who would do that.  To me  the cross which is only a symbol represents our faith.  Which represents Who and what I believe in. Though it is only a symbol it should be treated with respect just as we should treat our savior.  I realized I was just as guilty for doing the same by moving it around the yard and hiding it behind the bushes because I didn't want it in the yard anymore. So all of this made me think.  I am guilty of bringing Christ out for the special occasions such as Christmas and Easter.  I use him  when I need something, like a drying rack for a dirty old rag.  He deserves much better than that because of what he did for us.