Bitter Sweet

Just now sitting down to reflect on the past year.  I can look back on 2021 without a doubt and say it was bitter sweet.  We all know what that saying means throughout the year the was the sweetest of sweet moments and just the same as of bitter.  I did learn that God gives us both to learn lessons in life.  Some that we need for sure. Through the bitter moments came some sweetness out of them and the same as the sweetest moments came some bitter.  All of which I needed for sure.  I can say that now that 2021 is about a month behind me. Let me explain of few of those. I started out the year with Covid. Locked in my room for 10 days to keep my husband well.  A bitter moment for sure but the sweetness was knowing how lucky I was to have a spouse able to take care of me. I did have to face time him to teach him how to make a couple of coffee because he didnt know how to make coffee.  Other bitter moment were Hurricane Ida who graciously put a tree on top of my home, the death of my grandmother, and last of not all having to have my front tooth pulled 5 months before my daughters wedding.  Such times brought the kindness of neighbors when I really needed help, a renewed connection with family that I havent seen in such a long time and knowing I have the best dentist in the world.  On the flip side there were such sweet moments that brought out such bitterness. One of the sweetest moments of the year was my daughters wedding. It produced a sweet of sweet time but it opened up a big conversation that needed to be had between me and someone else.  All were growing moments in my life.  God intends for us to grow in Christ.  He gives us these moments to teach us to be better. The bible are the names of people who learned lessons from bitter situations and stayed strong. Such names a Joseph, Job and Ruth. All had bitter moments in their lives but stayed faithful and strong.  Lord give me the strenght to grow.

It is the wee hours of the morning and I am sitting in my recliner with a cozy blanket across my lap, with my Lysa Terkeurst book beside me with a steaming cup of coffee.  Oh and let me not forget the sounds of comfort that surround me, worship music playing softly from my alexa, dog snoring and the sound of rain. Why am I up at this hour on a Saturday morning when I could be tucked snuggly in my bed sleeping? First my new puppy who slept for a solid seven and now was ready to go out and be fed and my inability to fall back to sleep. It is in times like theses that I come to know God better. We have our best conversations during times like this.  He knew I needed to come to a new understanding of something today and wrap up my feelings of this past year.  

Every year I pray for a word. A word that I  would pray on throughout the year and focus my life on. This year my word was renew.  I wasn't sure how this word would be played out in my life this year. First, to be renewed you have to be cleansed, stripped down to the natural self and then you can be renewed.  Like a wooden rocking chair that needs to be restained. You have to strip the old stain off and sand the heck out of it and then you can restain it. If you try to stain over the old stain the wood wont absorb the new stain and the old stain is still there.  I was stripped down to the old wood this year by God.  I started this year with a life changing surgery that changed the way I had to do things. I had a ACDF repair ( my cervcical vertebrae were fused from C3-C7). Also I was left with a scar across my neck. I was forced to sit still and not do anything.  That is so not like me. But during that time of stillness I prayed and focused on God and getting to know him better.  Each time I prayed I asked God for a much needed direction in my life which led me to leaving my church that I was a current member. It would be one of the most hardest decisions in my life because I would be attending a different church than my husband. I went to several churches and after about 3 months I went back to my home church. The church that raised me as one of my friends said the other night. I felt like I was at home at last.  They wrapped their arms around me and loved on me that the prodigal son. Not only have they loved on me they have shared some gut wrenching truth with me in my Sunday school class.  Truths that I needed to hear in sermons that have help me get back to my natural wood for the past seven months. I had become and old used rocking chair. 

Not only was changing churches was a big renewl in my life but I changed jobs in May. Now you I am not a spring chicken.  I have been a labor and delivery nurse for 29 years and now I was looking for something that was a little less physical because without much success my job would not work with me in changing roles. So God said lets get busy looking and he provided and opportunity for me. I was now interviewing for a job in an Chemotherapy Infusion Unit. WHAT?  Believe it or not I got the job and was now about to start a new adventure.  Lets make this brain work.  I have been blessed  unmeasurably. The patients are the sweetest ever and the staff is Fantastic. I had been sanded down by making me learn something new and see my worth.  My sense of worth was gone from a job that beat me down every day and a church that made me feel like I was unworthy as a friend or member.

Now that I had been stripped down I was ready for the refinishing. God has kept his hand on me the entire time through all this. He still had to wrap this year up for me by showing me even though I had been refinished you could still see my scars and that would be the new me.  My scar on my neck will always be there as well as the new on down my face from skin cancer removed last week. He also showed me that my scars on my heart would always be there.  Which remind me of my favorite quote." Scars remind u where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we are going."   Those scars will always be there and sometime they will hurt.  Like last night I saw a post where a group of women I longed to be a part of,and their group posted they were blessed to have each other.  I burst into tears like a big baby but I made the decision to get rid of FB for good because I do not want it to dictate my feelings anymore. God was sanding a final few rough edges of and brought these words to me this morning through Lysa Terkeurst.  I have to realize when I see certain "they will continue to walk and live on their side of street and I will continue to walk and live my life on my side of the other side of the street. I have learned this promise this year  And the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while , will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10)

I was talking to a co worker the other day and the subject came up about teenagersOan to explain how when I was younger and my friends went somewhere or hung out with someone else I didn't know until someone told me. Usually it happened at school or on the bus. Really made me feel inadequate.  It was like a punch in the gut. Instead of blowing it off, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me.  Teenagers get to see it right off.  The see it on FB, Instagram or snapchat. It is in their face.  But this week I realized that I am not that much different from teenagers.  I let it get to me just as much as I did as a teenager.  I immediately think "What is wrong with me?"  I get teary eyed and my heart hurts.  I had to ask myself why I still let it get to me?  

Over the years I have met and know so many people but really do not have a close friend. I know that I am the common denominator of the equation so that is where the doubting of myself comes into play.  As a high schooler I was responsible for watching my little sister and brother and working that I didn't have time to "hang" out with friends. I then went to college and didn't have develop any close relationship with no one because I worked and went to school. As I started working I thought I had friends from all my jobs but no one. I have even lived in the same area for 22 years and no one.  I know a pity party for one but that is not what I want you to get out of this. 

Today I was glancing at facebook and I saw a group of women I know going out for some fun. It is the same group that started a bible study. It is the same group they was developed by women in my church who were my age. My heart got sad.All those high school feelings came back. Why? Because I feel like I am unworthy of being anyone friend. What is wrong with me. Why am I not included?  I just wanted to scream out  I AM LONELY.  I JUST WANT A FRIEND.  I am even a little envious of Woody and Buzz.  I know they are animated.  

As I pray and focus on Gods he tell me  I love you child.  He gently whispers to me.  Don't look to worldly things or people to love you.  I love you child of mine.  I have got you. 

He knows my heart and wants me to want him like I want to be wanted by people.

Most of the time when a blog idea comes to me I don't have time to write about it.  So I jot the idea down on a piece of paper or type into my notes on my phone. Honestly  they land in my phone and they stay there for awhile until I clean out my notes.  Today was one of those days where I need to clean up my notes. It was full of grocery lists, passwords I don't use anymore and,of course,my ideas. This one particular note was from at least two years ago.  This one I couldn't delete because it said so much in one little phrase.  

So two years ago Tim and I were staying on a military base to save some money on hotel cost. Actually it was very nice. It has its own private beach (which I definitely took advantage of). One day,  I was sitting on the beach when I noticed a lighthouse.  It was beautiful.  You see lighthouses are used to guide the sailors to shore in the dark, dark night at sea. A night at sea without the moon is very, very dark to where one cannot see the shore at all. Sailors need that light from the lighthouse to  guide them in or they would be lost at sea.  The best way I can explain this darkness is the darkness we experience during a power outage. Here is my point, there is a light we need to see our way out of the dark.  The darkess the sailors experience represents us walking in our sin. We are walking in sin which is painfully dark and God reveals Himself to us as the light.  In the bible there is a perfect example of this.  Saul was on his way to Damascus when God blinded him.  When he was able to see again he knew where his vision came from and he saw the light. Without our Lighthouse at sea, we would never be able to be guided through life and be stuck in the darkness. 

Deposits or Withdrawls

Woke up this morning with a different feeling in the air.  The air outside was crisp, cool and breezy.  What a wonderful change that has been anticipated.  I love the fall because of the coolness and the wonderful colors all around me.  It also gives me a chance to enjoy the outside without sweating to death. YAY!!  I am going for a walk this morning. Headphones, tennis shoes on and my hair pulled back I am ready to go. Lets not forget my loyal companion beside me.  She is as ready to go just as I am. Noelle my walking partner knows the path I take so well she uses a short cut and beats me to the beginning of the path.  She normally does not wait for me because she takes her sweet time and I mean business.  When we are walking we resemble the story of the tortoise and the hare.  I am the tortoise(steady and keep on the path) and she is the hare(she stops and smells, pees and greets every dog in her path).  Our walk is never without a friend or two crossing our path.  Friends I mean dog friends.  My neighborhood is filled with dogs just hanging out at their homes.  All of them have to come out and greet her. Some of them come out and bark and bark and bark but she just ignores them and keeps on walking. Some of the walk with us for a bit and then head back home. This reminds me of human life and how are life is one big walk.  We walk with people for a little bit and make a positive impact or we just take from them.

As humans we meet people wherever we go.  At the store, work, appointments and when we are out for fun. So as we walk through life we have a responsibility.  We make deposits on everyone we meet or we make withdrawls.  What do I mean by this.  When you come in contact with someone during the day do we make deposit or do we make a withdrawl.  A deposit is a positive impact on that person.  Example, I have a friend who is so sweet.  She always greet you with "hello beautiful" and then a kiss and a hug. She always makes a deposit.  You can be having the worst day of your life and she makes you feel so special.  She also listens to you.  When you are talking to her she is not on her phone is truly listening to what you have to say.  Nothing worse than talking to someone and they are on their phone and they say"did you say something?"  That's a withdrawals.  You just told them in a few words that you are less important than the person on the phone.  I also know a person who every times she see me she complains about one thing or another. She always make withdrawals from me. I feel so depleted when she hangs up or walks away.  There are so many ways to make deposits in peoples lives. A smile, a touch, or kind words or just listening intentionally.  There are so many way to make withdrawals.  Such a gossip(someone was talking about you but I wont tell you what they said because that would upset you), complaining, or being just negative.  So next time you are heading out for the day decide what are you going to do.  Are you going to make more deposits or more with drawls.  It is easy to make make withdrawals and it takes a lot to make deposits.  You have to think about.   

I found this quote: "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life you will

be out of balance and in the negative.  Know when to close the account"

Window Sin

I walked into the kitchen the other day and my husband's new kitten was sitting in the window watching something.  As I walked over, I noticed there was a wasp caught between the glass and the screen. How did it get in there? I concluded that there was a small hole that allowed the wasp just enough room to get into the window and become trapped.  I asked my husband to get him out because I  have a great intense anxiety for the little pests.  I would have to say that wasps are my biggest fear. Later that day the wasp was still frantically going back and forth attempting to get out but was to no avail. What he could not see is that the way out was so simple.   Many times the wasp would pass right by the hole and keep on going.  Back and forth he kept going for days but never got out (yes, he died). 
Where am I going with this?  Everyday we slip into that little hole in the screen called sin. Once we are in that hole we keep pacing in our sin. We feel "trapped" as if there is no way out. However, scripture says that there is always a way out of temptation. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says," No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." How faithful is our God! We do not have to be like that wasp, trapped in a never-ending trail of sin. We have a God that has revealed to us a way out of sin through repentance through Jesus Christ. Everyday we sin and sometimes we feel as if we are trapped completely, but we can be encouraged because God has opened our eyes to that way out called repentance. 
-Kimberly Reitz

Be There

I have a wonderful job so I here.  Patients tell me all the time you have the best job in the world.  You get to see babies born everyday!  I smile graciously an tell them "you are so right, it is the best job."  Thinking to myself NOT, if you only knew.The part of it they don't see if what makes not so the best job in the world sometimes.  They don't see where we all run to a room because a baby is in distress and we are trying to stay calm for the family but we really want to scream! They don't see the part when we are all maxed out with our patient load and we see another pregnant patient walk up to the desk.  The don't see us changing our clothes after we have been splashed with body fluids.  They don't see us cleaning and washing a baby who has gone to be with our sweet maker and us trying to hold back our tears for the family because we have to walk into our  other patients room who is delivering  a healthy  baby.  So why am I writing this?


This sums up how the world is!  Our world is such a busy place.  We are running here and there twenty four seven.  I know that I have heard it said a million times. "there is just not enough time in the day. "  But why?  God gave us plenty of time we just don't manage it well.  He even has to tell us to rest  and gave  us a day of rest. He even rested while making our planet. But as humans we have made or day of rest a day of shopping, cleaning house, going to ball games, hunting, and belive me plenty of committee meetings a church.


There is an old saying that goes something like this  " sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses" What does that mean.  To me it means to slow down and enjoy the life that we have been given.  Before long our children that God blessed us with will be adults. Some of our family and friends will be gone. Things that you thought that would always be there are gone.  No one want regrets at the end of their life. That is why so many older adults go through depression because their life is almost over and they have regrets.
 
Make a promise to yourself to make things count this year. Do the things that can only happen once over the things that you can do all the time.  Like going to a wedding instead of staying home and watch television or go a surprise birthday party.  Make you moments count. Slow down this year and stop to smell the roses.  For me,I really take in the moment of being in a delivery of someones baby because I really do have the best job in the world. 


G